Just Simply Jennifer!

So my new job is going as good as can be expected.  My Kyra is doing so much better than can be expected.

My life though is stressful.

I gave Adam a year to be bankrupt when he left.  He has absolutely no money skills and when he left was living large.  He wasn’t being careful the way we were while we were married.  I think he criticized me for the way I handled money.  He used to say "Live now, while your young" and get mad at me.  He has been gone for 7 months now.  I try to help him, but he doesn’t even see my help.  He has gotten into gambling as well with his poor financial skills.  It is a nightmare basically for him I think.

Our marriage wasn’t perfect financially.  There is a confession.  There are things we could have done better, but hindsight is always better isn’t it.  I was getting us on our feet though when he left.

Now though he has gone over 10 thousand dollars more in the hole on his own accord.  This is not me, nor my fault.  I have not added to my own debt.

Any ways, he is talking to debt consolidation and reduction company.  I really hope they accept him and help him with his money.  If they don’t though, he is talking about bankruptcy.

This is stressing me because like our child support agreement is not through the department of child services, it is an agreed to amount.  He has paid and all that faithfully since he left, so I have no issues.  I have people looking into it with an attorney though if bankruptcy will affect this since it isn’t court ordered. 

He keeps telling me "Thanks for putting him in a box" which this totally isn’t my fault.  He has child support which is within a reasonable range for his income and his portion of our marriage debt was about 2/3 that of mine, but his income was quadruple, what mine is.  I also took the house and all the house payments which there is almost no equity in the house right now.

Anyways, this is stressing on me and it stresses on me that he is blaming me.  I know it shouldn’t everyone that I talk to says it isn’t my fault, but he is telling everyone that I am putting him in a box and blah blah blah.  I don’t know what to do, but watch him squirm as I don’t have the money to bail him out and if I did bail him out.  I still think he would turn around and get in this same situation all over again.

This morning Kyra had her last school bus ride until she rides the school bus on her own.  She has more experience riding school busses though and most 5th graders.  Yeah, my two year old has rode in the bus since she was 6 weeks old.  She rode 5 routes a day up to Janauary of 2007, since than it has been 4 routes a day.

She is now moving on to the next phase of life and a stressful one for me.  She will be with child care two days a week with me working my new job.  This is a huge stress on me.  She is with her dad the other 3 days, so that is good.  I do prefer her with him.  I wish I could just snuggle with her all the time.

I have such mixed feeling about all this.  It is just crazy.

My life is sort of stressful right now for a whole bunch of reasons, some my fault and some not.  Some I know and some I myself don’t even know of.  I am finding myself worrying a lot about things I shouldn’t be worrying about.  I am usually not a worrying sort of person.  I am usually the one that is the most relaxed in an entire room of people.

This worry about virtually nothing has me all stirred up and not feeling like blogging which is my total stress reliever.  How can that be that the very thing that blogging does for me and I need is what I don’t feel like doing.

I have Stan’s brother and sister coming on Friday night in addition to all this.  There will be 4 house guests here.  I am sort of looking forward to it and sort of going “Oh my goodness” what is going on in my life.

I also have a student from my bus moved into some sort of temporary housing, which I am hoping that she calls me.  I left a message for her to with her new driver to her temporary house.  I wouldn’t really feel this worried for every student.  Some I just sort of check off when they leave my bus almost like they are unnoticed.  I know this girls story though and it breaks my heart that a very good student and person can be having this happen to them. 

The ones that are more likely for me to go unnoticed are the ones that are first off or get off with the large group of students at my large stops.

Anyways, that is my life for now.  I am trying to figure it all out and it is very time consuming.  Good Night…

Last night was strange, I actually posted after midnight here.  That is because Stan was having a sugar crisis.  Here is basically how a low sugar crisis is here….it is so so very scary.  Yes, SCARY!

It is 10:30.  I am at my computer, but very easily could have been designated driving.  That got canceled which is a good thing. 

He called down through the vents if I could bring him some water.  This is strange because he can walk.  I am thinking to myself “Get Your Own Water”.  I know sometimes he has trouble though and am also thinking that he might think he will fall in the dark.  I go up and get a glass of water for him.  I turn on the lights and look at him.

He is sweating, I don’t mean a little sweat.  I mean the bed sheets are soaked enough to be rung out like a towel accidentally dropped into bath water.

I head for the glucose meter.  It tests 48, which is low, but not extreme.  I know that it is dropping though from the way he is acting and all that sweat.

I got him 2 glucose tablets and a bowl of pears.  He likes pears.

He is heading out of it now as his sugar drops quickly when it starts going down.  I wait 20 minutes though and test it again.  It is 34 which is extremely low.

He is swinging his arms now like an ape.  He has both hands up above his head and he is swinging at random.  He is screaming “Oh Dear” and laughing.  I do mean screaming….I think the house was shaking.  I was surprised Kyra didn’t wake up thinking what the hell is going on.  She was at the other end of the house though and downstairs.

He kept doing this, but he doesn’t know what he is doing and I know it.  I am pretty much freaking out.  I am 1/2 scared he is going to slug me. 

I also know that he has had enough sugar to raise his levels.  I go downstairs for safety and listen for him to stop doing this.  He shortly does, well maybe 10 minutes.

I go back upstairs and he has no recollection of what he just did a few minutes ago.  I know he is telling the truth as I have seen these with him quite a few times.

I test his sugar it is 43, but rising.  The rising is a huge difference compared to 48 and falling. 

I get him a sippy cup of orange juice.  Yes…sippy cup like I use for Kyra.  He is in bed and will spill a glass everywhere.  He is getting better, but still not 100% in control.

About 5 minutes later, I get him a piece of cake with icing.  I actually get one for myself too.  Cake yum…  I sit with Stan in his room with him in his underwear, not a suggested viewing by the way.  We eat cake.

He goes back to bed.  I come downstairs and post about some idiot bus driver who shouldn’t be driving that had just hit my inbox.  I stayed up an hour.  I went back up and tested his sugar in that hour.  He didn’t even wake up to know I was testing it.  His levels was 115.

I came down and went to bed.  I was exhausted, but glad that I was home for all this.

His sugar was only 180 in the morning after all that sugar I gave him during the night.  (2 glucose tablets, pears, orange juice, and cake with icing)  Each of those items is considered a sugar serving with a meal and he only has 2 sugar servings per meal.  I have no idea why it takes so much for his sugar to rise when it drops like this.  The doctors say to only give 3 sugar servings when it is low.

If you have never experienced diabetes you may wonder what causes all this.  Diabetes is a balancing act of eating the amount of carbs needed versus taking the amount of insulin that your body needs to absorb the carbs (if you take insulin there are other medicines too).

Stan is taking too much insulin, but not because it was always too much.  He is losing weight and eating correctly.  His body is functioning at a higher degree by itself than it did when he first moved here. 

That was May 19th.  When he moved here, he was taking 340 units of insulin per day.  He is now over 60 pounds lighter and takes less than 90 units of insulin per day which we will be lowering this week.  He has a doctors appointment on Thursday…I think it is.

In the meantime, he will be eating a few extra carbs with his last meal of the day to balance off the insulin that he doesn’t seem to be needing now.

Diabetes is rough and scary and hard to watch even as a bi-stander when it acts out.  I can’t imagine how rough it is to have this controlling your body and everything you do.  If you have Diabetes, I have the utmost respect for how you live and are able to control this sometimes uncontrollable disease.

If you get my feed, you will know my site crashed this morning.  Otherwise, here is your update.  My site crashed this morning.  LOL… 

I came back from my morning routes with a blue classic look on my site…and I have no idea what happened. 

The good people in at BlueHost hooked me up.  I had back-ups that were about a week old and all of my posts in my Writer program.  Well, they had my back up from 1 am and within a few minutes of talking to them, my site was back in full.

Now, I can’t seem to get pictures to load, so this is the test.  This pink ribbon is for October being breast cancer awareness month.

I don’t know what is going on.  I am not really tired, but I am drained to exhaustion.  Does that make sense?  I have been going and going and going without stopping since Monday.  Yesterday, the 3rd day of school.  I have only 5 kindergarten kids.  The parents are supposed to be out to get them off the bus or I don’t let them off. 

Well, 3 of the 5 were not there.  I took the kids back to school and the grandmother to the one boy essentially told me off for not dropping her 5 year old off without an adult there.  I felt like choking her, is it too much to ask that you read a book on your porch in this perfect weather to get you little kid off the bus.  It isn’t like I require they be within inches of the road or anything.  It is just you have to be visible…basically enough to wave.

My goats keep getting out.  I have electrified everywhere, even in the holes of the gate.  I have had 6 people examine the fence to figure out where they are getting out.  We can’t figure it out.  I am done.  The two goats are being sold.  It is done.  I am not chasing them one more freaking time.  They are locked in the barn until Tuesday when they will be taken to the sale, if the two people I asked about taking them don’t show interest.  I kept the goats because I loved Charcole and now that she has passed.  I have no reason to keep these ones.

  Kyra is okay to have this cat, but it is crazy to here her screaming for the cat.  I think she thinks about it 24 hours a day now.  I put him in the barn at night and first thing in the morning when she gets up it is kitty.  Kitty this and kitty that…I am going to pull my hair out.

I went to bed early last night, but instead of sleeping straight through like I normally do.  I woke up like 3 times dreaming about various different things.  Aaahhhh!

Stan has been getting on my nerves here lately too.  I don’t know why though.  It is just his lack of communication.  He doesn’t wine he doesn’t moan or groan or anything.  It is like he isn’t feeling anything.  I have to ask him to get answers as he doesn’t volunteer them.  It also makes me feel strange that he sort of gets annoyed when I go and come back.  It is like a constant babysitter watching my every move ready to tattle on me.  He has my bus schedule on a clock already as he said I was early today.  I need to get him something to do besides take notes on me….got any ideas???

This morning a student wasn’t at the bus stop.  Our school has a 5 minute early policy, so students are supposed to be there 5 minute early.  This student was a block away when I pulled up to load.  He didn’t increase his pace not one little bit. (If he had, he could have made it to the stop as I load about 20 students at this stop.) 

He was about 30 feet from the bus when my whole lot of kids were loaded and seated.  I probably shouldn’t have, but I did.  I left him on the curb. 

I didn’t think it would be fair on the rest of the kids who made it on time to there stop or sped up to make it on the bus to make an extra stop for this one student.  I wasn’t early or late…I was on time.  The time is exactly the same time as it was last year when he rode, so no change.

Well, his parent decided that it was a good day to follow me and stop while I am socializing with other bus drivers and insult me for this child not getting on the bus. 

Is it really my fault that this parent and child were unprepared for school and didn’t make it to the stop??  I think NOT, but let the games begin.

So, I am exhausted.  I love my job, I really do.  I LOVE my kids. 

It has always been the parents I deal with that I don’t enjoy so much, but there are some super nice parents too.  I like the ones that smile and wave and the ones that kiss their kids on the side of the street before they get on the bus.  I am patient and smile as that kiss happens.  I have a 10th grader whose mom always stands out with him.  I really enjoy seeing her every day, her relationship with her son makes me smile inside.

Today was an okay day for me, but Kyra had just a terrible day.  You won’t be able to tell from the pictures, but she spent a whole lot of today crying, screaming, and hollaring.

We went to my bus meeting this morning.  This was like a private meeting.  I turned in all the changes to be made to my routes for her to do.  She looked at them, said okay…and that was that. 

We had about 2 hours time to kills, so I went to Walmart.  I needed some electrical outlet covers and some curtain rods.  We got those, but before we did.  Kyra had to throw a complete fit in the parking lot.  Yes, she laid on the pavement of the parking lot screaming because I changed her pee pants into a diaper.  I let her scream a few minutes, but got her up and straightened out.  We shopped fine after that. 

I ran into one of my old demonstration ladies in there, she was giving away coupons.  I love seeing the ladies that used to do demos with me.  There are some fun ladies.

We went to Tommy’s Ice Cream with the MOM’s club.  There were like 10 other kids there that Kyra could have played really good with, but nope.  She wanted Mom.  She had a screaming fit and laid on the floor in the corner screaming for quite awhile here.  It was sort of cute though there was an ad orable little 3 year old, she was like how do I get her off the floor.  I said tell her you want to play  with her.  She got down in her face, just like Kyra does us and says “I want to play with you”.  Kyra came around a little and played a little.  She was for the most part the worst behaved though.  That is unusual for her.  She is usually very good.

I came home and Uncle Fester…oh I mean Stan…. was mowing the yard.  I think he was pretty proud of himself and it does look pretty good.

I finally got Kyra to wear her flip-flops for a few laps of the house.

 I put my two electrical plates up, so we have no open wires ready to touch now.  I also put up these curtains on my back door. I am not so sure it is a good thing to do, putting curtains over a door.  I think this window is a huge reason it costs so much to cool my house though, so I am trying to conserve my energy a little.  I also don’t know if I like lace curtains in a kitchen with rooster curtains on the other actual windows, but again oh well.

Kyra had another screaming fit in here somewhere because I put her clothes back on her.  This was a longer fit.  I have had it with these fits by this point and just go lock myself in the bathroom.  I told her I would come out when she was quiet.  She hates when I do that, but after a few minutes she was quiet.  I came out and held her, but the fits weren’t over.

 She played some with the cat.  The cat eventually got fed up with this and went under the TV.  This caused her to scream.

We went out to the goats.  Instead of having one giant mushroom, I now have a whole rainbow of giant mushrooms.

We have the bus now as well, so we were trying out the bus.

I am not exactly sure where this container of red lip gloss spent the summer.  I thought I cleaned out everything.  It was a students that left it on there last year though because I remember it.  Anyways…we got into that.  It looks like blood everywhere.  That called for an immediate bath.  You should see our bathtub now, this stuff isn’t water soluble.  I think the baby is stained for life.  Kyra though now only has a red tint.  She essentially looks sunburned even after the bath. 

My bus seat was gross besides this stuff on it.  I had no idea.  I cleaned it with 409 and Goo Gone.  It worked pretty well, but I had 4 completely gross me out dirty towels when I was done.  Blah…

I made one of the best dinners I have made in a while.  It was Tilapia fish baked with orange juice and roasted potatoes.  It was so good.  Kyra ate her whole plate.

We sung the alphabet and watched Jimmy Neutron somewhere after here.  We came down to be ready for bed.  She didn’t fall asleep until after my bed time which was 11.  It was close to 11:15.  She was screaming again for a popsicle, but she has had 4 of them and it was late.  That is where I am now….it is way past my bedtime and I am really tired.  My head is beating from all the screaming of the day.  I am going to really sleep tonight. 

Good Night.

Today was a strange day that will probably go down in history.  We signed our divorce today, so I will always remember that.

However, we went to the bank got that stuff situated.  We went to the car insurance talked to them, pretty much have it situated, but have to go do the final stuff on Monday.  We went to the lawyer with our agreements as far as everything goes and he is going to put them into a legal contract for us.  We also, like I said signed the divorce.  It isn’t final though for at least 90 days, but when we both go sign it again.

We went to the courthouse and got an old mortgage taken off the deed which was sort of old business that I had just never done.  The flowers at the center of town were beautiful today.  We went to lunch with Stan at the Chinese Restaurant.

Yeah, I know it is strange to run around with together figuring out the division of your goods.  I think it is much easier though than the fighting way that seems to be the normal.  There are questions flying off to both of us in all these meetings.

Yeah, than when we got home we went ahead and made it even weirder.  We went to the Community Fair.

Adam and Kyra were riding on the dizzy cars.  Both look like this is fun though don’t they??  I was getting a little loopy just watching them though.

We came home and Adam went to our neighbors for some drinks with them.  They tell him divorce horror stories like most people seem to have.  I have to say, I don’t think I will be telling those stories.

It has been a day, so I am off to bed.  Good Night…

Ok, I am just going to come out and be totally honest.  Really that is the way I am anyways.  I hate feeling like I have to hide anything.  I always felt like I was holding a big secret when I was a kid and that is part of the reason I didn’t have friends.  I think….

So…here is my complete honest statement.

Adam and I are getting a divorce.

That is the reason for saying that I am going to be moving.  However, upon further examination.  I can’t really afford a different place any more than I can afford to stay here.  I don’t want to live in a dump and I love it here.  I LOVE it here.  I want to stay.

The idea of moving makes me cry.  I mean look at that back yard.  It is heavenly…it is what I love.  It is peaceful, relaxing, and the most wonderful place on earth.

Adam and I are still going to remain friends, talking and such.  We both want to be totally involved as part of Kyra’s life….  Adam is still a good man, so for anyone that wants to bad mouth him in front of me.  Well, I will defend him still and that is that.

Stan is going to also be staying here with me.  Yes, that is strange, I know.  The father of my soon to be ex-husband will be living with me.  I like Stan though and get along with him very well.  He doesn’t really want to move either, he likes it here.  He is already paying rent, so that will continue and that will help facilitate us being able to afford it here.

I am going to go talk to my company I drive for and explain to my boss my situation and try to get a sports team or something to drive extra.  I would be able to afford it here much easier with something like that.  If I don’t get more driving, I will go get a part time job somewhere doing something.

You will also see more PPP things and advertising on this site.  This site really needs to pay for my computer gear and such.

I would also like to take night classes at the university and get myself smarter.  I think I will be able to afford things here though, and it will probably turn out to the better after said and done. 

So there you have my honest situation in life.  It is a bit stressful right now, but all will be better and the stress will ultimately disappear.  It will turn out a more relaxing life than it has probably been in a long time.  My 10-year marriage will be something I will always be proud of, no matter how the statistics look.

Yeah that is me.  I love my site, but today and the last few days have just been stressful.  I usually come to this site for stress relief, but I also bring out the positive parts of my days, for the memories you know.

Well, Adam has brought it out that he would like to move.  This is move closer to his work which we live almost an hour away from now.

I am really having mixed feelings on this. 

It is like I love this house.  I have been getting it to be just perfect for me.  I mean the kitchen is custom done with rocks that me and my friends have collected.  It is wonderful to just be in there anymore.  I love walking outside and just feeling the complete calmness of being here.

I on the other hand understand what he is talking about and I want him to be happier if that is what it takes, well…it can’t be that bad.  I am 100% sure I would get a school bus route up there.  They are very short on drivers where they aren’t down here so much.  They pay a lot better up there to drivers too.  There are other jobs too though, so if I needed a “real” job.  I could get one where as where I am now….I can’t get very many jobs.

If we do move, we will be into more urban area and pretty much in town.  I have basically never lived in town, so that makes me a bit nervous as well.

There is a pretty big nature park close to where Adam works and I like visiting that, so that would probably become my new local park.  I also sort of know my way around up there from when I drove the old people. 

I won’t have a support system though in place like I do here.  I know here that if needed, Kyra has a place where someone will watch her on short notice.  I know that if my car breaks down, someone will help me out.  It is predictable here…I will be say 40 minutes from this established support.

So, here is the steps we have decided to follow and nothing is set in stone.  We are getting our house appraised to know the value to see if we can even begin to afford to move.  Housing is more expensive where we would be going, but this house has surely gained quite a bit of value while we have lived here.  It will be nice to sort of know on top of that.

We will think about this value and probably look at a few houses in our price range after this.

We will than have to decide if this is going to happen or not…

I feel really bad on top of this that we are taking Stan along for a ride.  I think he just got settled here and off we go to someplace new to us all.  Aaaahhhhh!  I guess we will all make it though, so I should be stressed.  I am just going with the flow of life and this is true to life as you never know, right??  LOL….

Well, that is all for today.  I am going to bed.  It is all too much thinking.