Doctor phobia… I think I am the only one on earth that feels the least safe when I am at a doctors office. I have this notion in my mind that doctors are out to get me and I try like all get out to get it out of my mind.
Well, today I went to the doctors in an effort to get some sort of birth control measure, trying to not get hormones either though as I react funny to like “the pill”.
I hadn’t been for my exam in over 2 years, so of course that is all they wanted from me and dummy me, I feel obligated to do it because it is supposedly good for me. What was done though can not possibly be good for a single person on earth at all…. and so she claims this was a “normal” exam.
So, I go in…la la la, I am freezing cold though with my clothes on, my toes are basically numb. I answer the literally 20 minutes of questions at the window. I sit in waiting room my heart is beating so hard that I can feel my chest moving my shirt. They finally call my name up another notch with my heart.
I had my blood pressure checked and all that, of course it was high. They told me I should have that looked into with my regular doctor…yeah whatever I am thinking. I am a complete freak though, why am I so nervous and just basically panic stricken. I so wish I had control over this feeling.
So finally the nurse is done, they ask me to go pee. I guess they have been peed on during exams or whatever who knows, so I go to the bathroom. What peeing takes all of 5 seconds, so this completely terrible looking nurse lady is like your done?? Well, yeah I am.
You can take your clothes off. I do. I search the room too making sure there are no needles or things they can get me with hidden. Yeah, I am phobic…I know. I am sitting there literally shaking though from being so darn cold, now naked, and well my heart. I can pretty much feel my eyeballs vibrate with each beat.
The doctor comes in all freaken cheerful, man did I want to slap her. She is like “How are you today?” with this bubbly face. I was like “naked”. She quit smiling for some reason.
She attempts to have a serious conversation with me while feeling my boobs up, why do they insist on doing this whole thing while the patient is shivering cold and naked. I mean I am all for serious conversation with her and whatever, but let’s get this exam over and dress me, please. I’m naked….hello people.
Yeah, I told her that.
We get to the exam. She must have said “relax” 50 times and “Are you okay” an additional 50. I meanwhile and laying spread on the table with only my hoodie on, still cold. With my eyes closed so hard, I can feel the wrinkles of my cheeks, trying not to cry, trying to just stay laying there. I am really fighting myself at this point. I just want to crawl up some hole somewhere and hide.
In my mind I am thinking what kind of person wants to do this for a living? This lady is a complete freak or totally getting off on this. Can you imagine going to school for 10 years to study women’s genitalia and being a women yourself. That is just freaky to me.
So I am trying really hard to ignore what she is doing to me, I mean this is hard. You have no idea how hard this is. All the while “Are you okay?” is playing outside my head in this really girly voice. I think the exam is over, so I am like breathe. She is like hold on, I’m not done. Okay, I say.
So what does she do, she comes right up in between my legs and starts feeling around down there with this cold sloppy gross lube stuff….blah. I can smell her breathe and this is so not good at all.
She ends by stating that this is just a “normal” exam. Yeah, normal for you, but hello….not anywhere’s near normal for me lady.
Then she asks “Do you have any questions?”. I think I caught her completely off guard. I say “Yeah, are you a lesbian?”. She just looked at me for way too long and then said “No”. Nope, I wasn’t hitting on her, I was trying to figure out what got her in this profession. Blah…..anyways.
She left and never did come back for that serious conversation, but they weren’t really concerned with my birth control to begin with. They are more in the convincing women that they are a vital part of the baby making business. I don’t think they really want to prevent them, that would be less money for them.
I am now looking for a good looking male doctor whom likes women and there private areas because of hormones within themselves, not some creepy ugly lady whom I will have nightmares about for a week. I mean if I am going to have nightmares which I surely will at least the villain could be cute.
Anyways, I paid my bill and left. I got in my car and the tears start coming, yeah. I cried with tears running completely down my face all the way to Lyn’s house. I cry as I type this actually. I pretty much have been crying since I left there what 6 hours ago. I did my afternoon routes and caught a few tears while driving too.
I got home from my routes though, took a shower. I still feel dirty though, it is a dirty that is not washing off. It gives me the creeps.
I went to Walmart in between my routes too and checked my blood pressure, just to be sure. It was 80 over 60, so I am okay. I actually have very low blood pressure. I just really freak out, like serious.
Anyways, that is a very long post. I am okay now for awhile. I am going to get Kyra in an hour and she will make me feel better probably, she has that affect on me.